Boundaries vs. Ultimatums

Boundaries vs. Ultimatums:  How Christian Parents and LGBTQ+ Kids Can Find Common Ground

Few things shake a heart like hearing the sharpness of words:

“You can’t be here unless…”

“I won’t come home until…”

 “I refuse to see you if…”

“You have to do this before we can be together.”

It’s in that moment, our chests can get uncomfortably tight. We brace at the words and prepare to respond, usually with a posture of defense, because the words we heard feel like a threat. Our heels begin to dig in the ground beneath our feet. Our minds race, and we build scenarios of what tomorrow might look like, wondering how to make sense of the declaration.

When you’re a Christian parent of an LGBTQ+ child, these moments can feel heavy, because your relationship may already be walking on tender ground. You wonder why a child holds an all or nothing attitude. A child who hears the words from a parent can freeze in fear or flee for good. Whoever delivered the statement put everybody on edge. The one who spoke thinks they expressed a boundary, while the receiver heard the threat of “do this or else.”

To help us step carefully through our journeys, it’s imperative to build clarity around the foundational differences between two often misunderstood words.

Boundaries and ultimatums.  Friend, they are not the same things.

We often think we are establishing a boundary when we are actually delivering an ultimatum, and unintentional hurts are created before we know it.

When we acquire the wisdom to know the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum, we can respond with assuredness and compassion.

What Is a Boundary?

A boundary is about personal emotional safety. Boundaries exist to express where one has the capacity to exist with peace for the sake of relationship.  It defines the level of access to an individual, based on the trust of a relationship. Boundaries are never about exacting control over someone—it’s about expressing what I can do, what I cannot do, and what helps me remain healthy in a relationship.

A boundary says:

•  “This is what I need to feel safe.”
• “I’m able to do this in our relationship.”

Boundaries are not fortresses against anyone. They are not punishments, nor are they statements of rejection.

Boundaries are invitations to connection with clarity. They serve as guides to maintain wellbeing.

A child who offers a boundary is saying, “I want a relationship with you… and here’s what helps me stay safe in it.”

A parent who offers a boundary is saying, “I want a relationship with you…and here’s what helps me stay safe in it.”

Boundaries serve the same purpose for both parents and children. When we are working on establishing safety in our relationships after a child’s disclosure, we often confuse boundaries with ultimatums.

What Is an Ultimatum?

An ultimatum looks and responds much differently than a boundary. An ultimatum includes an element of control, even if unintentionally.

An ultimatum places a demand upon a person that says the other person must do something in order for the relationship to continue. It delivers the message “It’s my way, or else.”

Ultimatums often sound like:

•  “Agree with me or I’m not coming home.”
• “Meet this requirement, or you can’t come home.”
• “If you don’t do this, I refuse to talk to you.”
• “Unless you X, then our relationship is over.”

Statements that include ultimatums sting deeply because they place a condition upon a relationship, often one that feels impossible to meet. 

An ultimatum is almost always rooted in fear. 

Think on that for a minute.  What sits behind an ultimatum?  We know there is a condition to be met, but why has the condition been established in the first place?

We place conditions on relationships because we fear something:

We fear being misunderstood.

We fear being dismissed or rejected.

We fear emotional insecurity.

We fear maligning God’s word, our faith, our family, or our convictions.

We fear that we’ll compromise something we believe in if we don’t create that hard line or we cave to the one that was created. Compromise can feel like we’re surrendering our deeply held convictions, and that feels incongruent with our character.

We deliver or receive an ultimatum because, usually, we are afraid of something that includes loss. Loss of self, loss of convictions, loss of reputation. Suddenly, you, your child, or both may not know how to express that fear, so it manifests as a hard line in the sand, and a standoff ensues. Two dueling opponents who misunderstand each other are braced to stand their ground against each other, rather than find the common ground upon which they stand.

The only duel I’ve ever enjoyed involves two pianos and two incredibly talented musicians whose only goal is to outdo his opponent to create a better time for their captive audiences. Every other duel ends up in brokenness and heartache. So what do you do when you’re in this space?

Define Your Needs

A boundary is a personal healthy limit, designed to guard emotional, spiritual and physical well-being so that a relationship can thrive among differences. It says “I care about us. This is what I need to stay connected, feel safe and remain emotionally stable.”

An ultimatum is a form of control that creates a demand, requiring someone else to change, without considering how you yourself could make a change in order to preserve a relationship. It places a threat upon your connection, that if this condition isn’t met, there is a risk of losing the other person.  It says, “You must do this or else.” Where a boundary places priority on relationship and connection, an ultimatum places priority on conditional behavior and poses a risk of loss.

Boundaries create space for connection. Ultimatums restrict connection unless conditions are met.

Boundaries own the emotion.  - “I’m overwhelmed.”

Ultimatums externalize the emotion. “You caused this. Fix it.”

Understanding this difference doesn’t remove the pain, the struggle or the differences—but it does offer clarity in how to respond.

Why It Matters So Much for Families of Faith

Parenting an LGBTQ+ child inside a Christian worldview is full of emotion—for both parent and child. A child’s beliefs may have shifted.  A parent’s beliefs may cause refusal to engage in conversations that go against Scripture.

Here’s what often happens beneath the surface:

Nearly every LGBTQ+ child in a Christian home fears rejection.

Even if they love you deeply. Even if they trust you. Even if your relationship is strong. A child’s fear of rejection is real, because kids see it every day. Even in his 99.9% security in our family, our son delivered an ultimatum the moment he came out.  He would leave immediately and we’d never see  him again if we couldn’t accept that he was gay…because he said it would be easier for him to walk away from us rather than face the pain of being rejected by his parents. He didn’t create it because he wanted it…he created it because he knew it would be far easier to walk away of his own accord than to deal with the painful possibility of being rejected by his family. His ultimatum was based solely upon his very real fear of rejection.  

As much as it pains me to admit it, I get why he spoke the words. He would never have to wonder if we would have disowned him, because he was controlling the narrative out of self-protection and fear. He never wanted to lose us at all, but if there was going to be a separation, he would never wonder if we would have been the ones to deliver that painful blow.

A child’s ultimatum often softens when they meet a parent who refuses to withdraw or explode. As soon as the words escaped Conner’s mouth, I paused.  I declared with confidence: “Conner, I love you, period. And I’m not going anywhere.” I could literally see the stored air in his lungs collapse with relief. He didn’t mean it, and I immediately knew when I saw the emotional release.

I didn’t have answers in the moment. I didn’t know what our future days would look like, but I knew for certain I was gonna keep that kid close, and that the Lord would give us the wisdom for the steps ahead.

I shudder to think of what would have happened if I had delivered an IF: THEN statement to my son.  He’d have been gone in a flash, and I’m not sure what it would have taken to get him back.

Boundaries Aren’t Bad

If your child asks for a boundary, it might be wrapped in an ultimatum.  With conversation and presence, perhaps you can soften your child’s posture and remove their fear by reassuring that, even if you don’t understand everything, you want to maintain your relationship. Our goal isn’t to agree with everything—it’s to respond with steadiness and have conversations around how to navigate together.

You can say, “Thank you for telling me what you need. I want to understand this better so we can stay close. Can we work together to figure out what this looks like?”

This communicates safety, love, humility, willingness to remain near. 

If you set a boundary as a parent, be sure that you don’t weave conditional love into your words. Reassure your child that you will never reject them:  “I love you, and that will never change.  Can we talk about both our values so that we create mutual understanding as we move forward?”

The goal of a boundary is always about maintaining a healthy relationship.

How Parents Can Respond to an Ultimatum

Ultimatums require a response of gentleness, honesty, and calm reassurance.

You may try something like:

“I hear what you’re asking for, and I understand this is important to you.  I’m not sure I can meet this exact expectation, but I want to stay connected. I love you. I want us to keep talking about what works for both of us.”

Rather than surrender your convictions, you’re asking for time to process and think about how to remain in one another’s lives. You’re not promising something you can’t do, nor are you reacting out of panic. You’re simply keeping the door open for more communication and common ground.

So often, I talk with parents who say their doors are always open to their children. Then the next words are …but my child has to….

A parent thinks they are drawing a boundary, but a child hears “I can only be near you if I meet your conditions.” Friends, when we use words like “if, unless, until,” we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and brokenness. It’s not fair for parents or children to put that kind of pressure on our relationships, so we must navigate carefully when we choose our words and actions.

Perhaps considering “when: then” statements would be more productive and find us on some common ground.

“When we are together, let’s talk about what our conversations and actions reflect.”

“When we are at dinner, then let’s limit the level of affection in our personal relationships so that we are all comfortable.” It’s not “If you’re dating someone, you can’t come to our family gathering.”

“When I’m feeling hurt, scared or upset, let’s talk before either of us escalates.”

“When you feel like I have X, can we discuss how we can do better together?”

Finding Common Ground

Even in hard conversations, there is a place for parents and children to stand together.

✔ You both want a relationship. Even if it’s complicated. Your family is worth the fight.

✔ You both want to be understood. It requires listening, engaging, sharing and giving space to hear one another (so bite your tongue til it bleeds if you have to). If we listen, we will be granted an opportunity to speak.

✔ Neither of you wants to lose the other. Loss of relationship is a real risk. Together, you can prevent losing what you’ve worked so hard to keep together all the years you’ve invested thus far.

✔ You both need emotional safety.  Empathize with one another’s feelings and perceptions. Create safety around telling your child “You can tell me anything, and I won’t walk away.” Ask your child to stay near, even if they don’t agree with your perspective. A child should be able to count on your nearness as well.

✔ You can both take small steps toward one another.  When a parent and a child's beliefs differ, there will be a shift in your conversations, but you don’t have to lose your relationship over it. What one step can each take to maintain connection?

✔ You can both practice gentleness. No one is asking for perfection—gentleness without defense can add miles to your walk.

A Bridge Is Possible

Boundaries, when handled with care, can become invitations. Ultimatums can soften into conversations.  We can begin to build a foundation to agree upon rather than create a hill to die on. 

Your child, your relationship, and your circumstances are not beyond God’s reach. Your relationship is never too broken for healing.  Healing is God’s specialty, so let’s not place God in a box and declare that our child is too far gone to begin healing.

Colossians 3:12 reminds us to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. God is not making suggestions, He is asking us to reflect the character of His son.  He’s not after perfect families—He’s asking us to build tools for real families navigating real pain. He’s asking us to see through His lenses, and remain as near to our children as He does to us.

Are you in the middle of a messy relationship that got off track because of an ultimatum?

Pray about your relationship with your child. Ask for wisdom. Respond with grace. And remember that God is working, often in quiet ways we cannot see.

We don’t have to fix everything today, but we can take one step toward building understanding.  Your first step may be one of humility.  An apology for starting off on the wrong foot. A phone call that says,

“I’m sorry I reacted that way.  I want to do better.  I shouldn’t have said that to you. I know we have work to do. I love you, and our relationship is important.  Can we talk?”

If your child has placed an ultimatum, be honest about the pain it’s causing you, and ask them to reconsider your relationship. Offer a willingness to work differently together. 

“I know you said we can’t have a relationship unless X.  Can we talk about what our future together looks like? I think we both can find common ground if we understand each other better.”

Your steady love may be the very thing that opens the door to healing.